Dear future spouse,
I grew up feeling constantly substandard and not worthy of anyone’s warmth and affection. I have walls that are almost indestructible; I built them strong with my tears. But with those walls, an endless list of fears emerged to hinder me.
I don’t want to be that kind of person who has to give a backstory and an explanation to everything, however, with friends exiting my realm, I ended up developing resentment, bitterness, and fear of intimacy.
It’s going to take me months before I’ll get used to you. It’s going to take me months before I open my arms to you. When you’re made to feel singled out and very easy to walk away from, you can never process the idea of a new member joining your secluded bubble.
I’m going to unintentionally avert your touch because why are you showing me affection? I thought I was born to be verbally and emotionally abused? What are you doing? I thought people like me didn’t deserve to be loved?
My eyes started to water because it breaks my heart carrying an avalanche of worries that were planted in my path by people. I carry years of damage within my core, and I’m going to ask you to hold my hand every second of every day because of it.
You have no idea how shattered I am, broken and bitter to the extent of waiting on bad news to hit my door after a good day. Because even good days I don’t deserve. I don’t deserve shit. Even when the day will come, and you will choose me, what will people say upon hearing the news? He doesn’t deserve her. He deserves better.